Lately I’ve been thinking about the magnitude of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It’s funny, for most people Christmas time is a reminder of the “birth” of our Savior (I only put quotes because if you research it a little, you’ll find that Jesus wasn’t born anywhere near what is now our modern December 25th), but for me I’ve been thinking more about the end of his life than the beginning.
I guess I’m just the type of person that takes entire situations into consideration rather than just looking at portions of it. Unless, that is, I don’t know the end; Then I usually assume the worst ending I can. I know, I know, I’m currently working on that. Anyway, I find myself wondering how often we really sit back and take into consideration what Jesus did for us. Last night at church we took communion, and I felt about as big as an ant crawling up the backside of an elephant. I’m sitting in my chair and as Chandler went through his speech on the meaning of communion it dawned on me how absolutely undeserving we are. We are creatures that spend our entire existance doubting, worrying about ourselves, questioning God, and continually falling short of his glory. So how freakin amazing does that make God that he would put his son through everything that he did just so that we, of all things, could be reconciled with the father? To be honest with you, I wish I had more words I could say about it, but when it comes to how I feel about that inside I just don’t know how to express myself fully. I hate that it has become just another event to us, us meaning Christians. I mean come on! This is the freaking cornerstone of our faith. Apart from his death on the cross, there would have been no resurrection and we would all be on a direct path for eternal damnation. Maybe it’s just me, maybe because I have this complex of constantly owing God something that already makes me feel unworthy in his eyes, I quiver at the though of a perfect, sinless Savior coming and dying for me so that I might be saved from exactly what I deserve. What’s more, if I were the only person to ever live on the face of the earth after him, Christ would have come and done the exact same for just me! That sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth, and it applies to every individual alive right now.
In other, far less significant news, church was amazing last night. I absolutely love doing the Little Village. I get a chance to not only see little kids enjoying life and learning about Jesus, but also to directly impact their lives in a positive manner. Right now, I couldn’t ask for much more than that. The service was amazing, Matt was great as usual, communion was far more real for me than it ever has been, and to top it off, God blessed me with the opportunity to say hey to good ole Miss Webb. Yep, ran right into her in the parking lot and I think it went well overall. We hugged, said hi, and she pretty much ignored me and talked to Zach for a few minutes. Oh well, let me check…..Yep! God is still on the throne. It feels so good to finally be at peace with that situation. Don’t mishear me to have said that I don’t care, because I very much do. It’s just that I have finally realized that God is well aware of how much I want to do nothing more but serve Tiana, be reconciled with Tiana, and lead Tiana toward him. He knows, and he always has. Everytime my little heart beats like a labrat fresh off of the wheel, he knows. Everytime I lie in bed dreaming of how great life could be, how great our ministry together could be, he knows. Oh, and everytime I wonder what life will be like without her if this all passes by again, he knows and he lets me know that he is my rock, my sustainer above all else. She could never fulfill me the way he does, nor I for her. I will say though, if we aren’t able to reconcile things, it’ll be quite a while before I date again.
I met a guy at the Village last night named Coby, and I swear I’ve never met anybody like this guy. I didn’t know him from a blade of grass, but by the end of the night I felt like I had known him for years. He told me a little about his story and why he came to the Village, and then asked about me. I gave him sort of a mini testimony and he soaked it all in. After the service, he leaned over and started to break me down as he saw it, and let me know how he thinks life will play out for me. Regardless of his prophecy, I haven’t felt that encouraged in quite a while. For somebody to invest that type of care into me, in that small amount of time, I don’t even know what to say really. I just know that God placed him there for a reason and I’m thankful for that. I’ll be praying for you Coby, and I hope we can keep in touch because you lifted up a weary brother last night. I think one day I’ll write a book about my life, I think it would sell….at least two copies.
God in heaven, we are totally unworthy of you even lifting a finger to help us. I try, desperately I try. Be with me father, place in me the rememberance of who you are, what you’ve done and the ways you will always be faithful even when I am faithless.
II Timothy 2:13 – If we are faithless, he remains faithful…
