ZLee and his ladyfriend just left

Ok, so ZLee and his new girlfriend left, and they were incredibly cute together. But it got me thinking of you know who so I figured I’d post this:

I hope you never look back, but you never forget,
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,
And you help somebody every chance you get,
Oh, you find God’s grace, in every mistake,
And you always give more then you take.

Oh More then anything, Yeah, and more then anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it,
That your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more then you can hold,
And while you’re out there going where you’re getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

Lately I’ve been thinking

Lately I’ve been thinking about the magnitude of the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. It’s funny, for most people Christmas time is a reminder of the “birth” of our Savior (I only put quotes because if you research it a little, you’ll find that Jesus wasn’t born anywhere near what is now our modern December 25th), but for me I’ve been thinking more about the end of his life than the beginning.

I guess I’m just the type of person that takes entire situations into consideration rather than just looking at portions of it. Unless, that is, I don’t know the end; Then I usually assume the worst ending I can. I know, I know, I’m currently working on that. Anyway, I find myself wondering how often we really sit back and take into consideration what Jesus did for us. Last night at church we took communion, and I felt about as big as an ant crawling up the backside of an elephant. I’m sitting in my chair and as Chandler went through his speech on the meaning of communion it dawned on me how absolutely undeserving we are. We are creatures that spend our entire existance doubting, worrying about ourselves, questioning God, and continually falling short of his glory. So how freakin amazing does that make God that he would put his son through everything that he did just so that we, of all things, could be reconciled with the father? To be honest with you, I wish I had more words I could say about it, but when it comes to how I feel about that  inside I just don’t know how to express myself fully. I hate that it has become just another event to us, us meaning Christians. I mean come on! This is the freaking cornerstone of our faith. Apart from his death on the cross, there would have been no resurrection and we would all be on a direct path for eternal damnation. Maybe it’s just me, maybe because I have this complex of constantly owing God something that already makes me feel unworthy in his eyes, I quiver at the though of a perfect, sinless Savior coming and dying for me so that I might be saved from exactly what I deserve. What’s more, if I were the only person to ever live on the face of the earth after him, Christ would have come and done the exact same for just me! That sounds arrogant, but it’s the truth, and it applies to every individual alive right now.

In other, far less significant news, church was amazing last night. I absolutely love doing the Little Village. I get a chance to not only see little kids enjoying life and learning about Jesus, but also to directly impact their lives in a positive manner. Right now, I couldn’t ask for much more than that. The service was amazing, Matt was great as usual, communion was far more real for me than it ever has been, and to top it off, God blessed me with the opportunity to say hey to good ole Miss Webb. Yep, ran right into her in the parking lot and I think it went well overall. We hugged, said hi, and she pretty much ignored me and talked to Zach for a few minutes. Oh well, let me check…..Yep! God is still on the throne. It feels so good to finally be at peace with that situation. Don’t mishear me to have said that I don’t care, because I very much do. It’s just that I have finally realized that God is well aware of how much I want to do nothing more but serve Tiana, be reconciled with Tiana, and lead Tiana toward him. He knows, and he always has. Everytime my little heart beats like a labrat fresh off of the wheel, he knows. Everytime I lie in bed dreaming of how great life could be, how great our ministry together could be, he knows. Oh, and everytime I wonder what life will be like without her if this all passes by again, he knows and he lets me know that he is my rock, my sustainer above all else. She could never fulfill me the way he does, nor I for her. I will say though, if we aren’t able to reconcile things, it’ll be quite a while before I date again.

I met a guy at the Village last night named Coby, and I swear I’ve never met anybody like this guy. I didn’t know him from a blade of grass, but by the end of the night I felt like I had known him for years. He told me a little about his story and why he came to the Village, and then asked about me. I gave him sort of a mini testimony and he soaked it all in. After the service, he leaned over and started to break me down as he saw it, and let me know how he thinks life will play out for me. Regardless of his prophecy, I haven’t felt that encouraged in quite a while. For somebody to invest that type of care into me, in that small amount of time, I don’t even know what to say really. I just know that God placed him there for a reason and I’m thankful for that. I’ll be praying for you Coby, and I hope we can keep in touch because you lifted up a weary brother last night. I think one day I’ll write a book about my life, I think it would sell….at least two copies.

God in heaven, we are totally unworthy of you even lifting a finger to help us. I try, desperately I try. Be with me father, place in me the rememberance of who you are, what you’ve done and the ways you will always be faithful even when I am faithless.

II Timothy 2:13 – If we are faithless, he remains faithful…

What a last couple days

Well, I started out on fire for blogging. I’m pretty sure I even entered twice in one day earlier this month, but I’ve been trying to keep busy so it’s lost its’ ranking on the old priority scale. Let’s see, where to start…

I’ve been doing good with God recently I guess. I’ve really been trying to see where I am failing Him and attempting to address those things. I think my main problem is in the addressing of the issues. I tend to be extremely hard on myself and can pick out 30 different things that I do that I don’t believe necessarily exhalt Christ, but when it really comes down to fixing them all I typically struggle. I’m thinking that it all goes back to my ongoing struggle with pride. I still think I can do it on my own, you know, sort of “white knuckle” things because I used to be a strong individual. Then I stop and remember where that got me the first time, and even though it ultimately brought me to a great place in my life (here), it still hurt like nothing else I’ve ever felt.

Speaking of hurt, today is extremely hard for me for a couple of reasons. Last Christmas Eve, I drove overnight to Atlanta to see my family as a surprise, and the whole way there Tiana and I were conversating back and forth; Mainly expressing how we missed each other already, and she would send me pictures of her and Cameron laying together in her apartment, that sort of thing. During the trip she really started to miss me more than ever before, even to the point that she almost bought a plane ticket to fly out for just one day. What a woman. Christmas day I got a text message from her that simply said, “We’ll never spend another Christmas apart…I promise”. I wish that were true, but it’s not. Ten minutes after I got home from my trip she was at my door, ready to commit to me again and I blew it…again.

 Fast forward a year. Even though things didn’t go well between us earlier this year, we spent a day in Canton together in late May and I fell back in love with her again. It was there that I decided I was going to ask this woman to marry me this Christmas. I didn’t care about all our fights and problems, I “knew” what I wanted to do, I just had to ride out the storm until things were good again. That didn’t happen, and so today after almost half of a year of not talking at all, there won’t be an engagement tonight, or tomorrow, or the next day. So today is a little hard for me. The only time I’ve been on my knee today was to tie my shoe before going to the gym, and even that closed early on me.

I’ve got to keep praising God though, even for that. It’s hard, but to be honest I have to remember that He rescued both of us from a horrible relationship that would have ended in far more heartbreak than we both felt last summer. Everything He does is for our benefit…EVERYTHING; Even sending Jason and Tiana on their separate paths. One of my favorite passages of scripture is Jeremiah 29:11-14 where the Lord declares that He knows the plans that He sets out for us, and they are not plans to harm us but rather to prosper us. When we pursue Him with our whole hearts then we can see that and bask in His glory. That’s hard today, but regardless of the day, He is still there and He is still Lord of all.

Yesterday Zach Lee and I were at the Barnes and Noble on Park off 75, when a gentleman reading next to us noticed my Bible. He asked if we were pastors so we explained that we both feel called to be, and Zach is currently training for it and I will start in January. I asked him what his thoughts on God were and he gave us a thumbs down gesture. We had no idea at the time, but I had just asked a question that would put us into a conversation lasting over 3 hours! This guy was strange to say the least. He explained that he had been burned by churches over and over again, and that he was attempting to find out if God was real at all. He let us know that he was 99.9% sure that He wasn’t real, and the reason he was still asking questions was because of all the phony Christians he had encountered. From there he pretty much spent the next 3 hours asking us questions to test how much we loved God. I mean everything from “Would you turn the other cheek if I slapped you?”, to, “Would you die for Jesus Christ right now?”. It was just odd, because at some point I realized that this man had no personal interest (that we could tell) in Jesus, but just wanted us to slip up and give an answer he didn’t like so he could completely condemn Christianity based on a conversation he had with two guys at a bookstore! But that didn’t happen, and it’s not because we are anywhere near perfect Christians. I mean come on, I’m about as broken as you can get. It didn’t happen because we were honest with the man. We answered every one of his questions about how we live our daily lives in correlation to the gospel with complete transparency, and in the end he gave up. So after three hours of interrogation and an extremely tense ride to Panera Bread, he simply gave up. He thanked us for our time, and told us we could leave. He wouldn’t give us any contact info, let us take him back across the street, or even pray with us, so we just got up and made our way out.

We were completely drained spiritually. I personally felt like I had just gotten off of a spiritual George Foreman grill! It was extremely different for me because as a relatively new believer (August this year), I am still getting used to evangilizing as a whole and this was quite an experience. I don’t know what that man’s purpose was, but all we could do was pray the God used us to enlighten his heart and maybe change his misconceptions of who Christ actually was and still is. Oh yeah, and be thankful that he didn’t kill us, because it did have that sort of feeling in the car with the guy. I’m off to shower for Little Village. I hope that the kids are good tonight and can enstill some joy in my heart for the holiday season, and I can leave there filled with the Spirit.

God in heaven, you see my heart and my desires. Make them for you and only you. Break my heart and mind that I might let go of even the smallest things that I place above you still. We have been closer in the last few months than we have ever been, but we have also been farther apart than ever at times. Draw me near. Place in me a desire to pursue you even at the expense of all that I think I care for because you are my rock, my sustainer. Help me, loosen my knuckles because apparently I cannot.

It’s been a few days

Well, it’s been a few days since I’ve been on so I’ve got quite a bit on my mind. I still don’t have a job, so that really sucks. I’ve been semi-looking for quite a while now, but I think in reality I would prefer to not have one because it allows me time to really pour into reading and growing closer to God. I’ve just got to get started on that (joking).

Little Village went great on Saturday! I had a blast being in there with the kids. I thought that I would be with pre-k kids but when I got there they needed more help in the 2 year old room. At first I have to admit that I was a little let down, but once you get in there it really doesn’t matter. I’m there to try and leave the impression of Christ on these children’s lives, so who cares how old they are. Not to mention, 2 year olds could really care less about anything but running around playing so that makes it even more fun because they don’t need some sort of structured event. On a side note, I didn’t run into Tiana while I was there either which for me is a win/loss. During the time I was doing Little Village she was in the lobby running The Village’s Giving Tree ministry, so I went into the night absolutely knowing I’d run into her. That made me a little concerned because I tend to not do so well with that and I did not want that to affect my attitude in the room with the kids at all. I had to pee most of the time I was in the classroom, but I just held it because the bathroom is through the lobby (hahahahahaa). The Lord really blessed the night and I left with a joy that I haven’t left church with in quite a while.

I’m going to really hit the gym hard over the next few weeks to see what I can do as far as my body goes. I’ve got a pretty decent frame to start with, which sucks to have to say after 2 years of working out. I should probably be a lot bigger by now but whatever. I’ll start lifting with more purpose and eating right 6 days a week. The only problem with that is my weekly fasting on Wednesdays, but we’ll see how it works out. I’m definitely not going to skip growing closer to God through fasting for one more day of eating for the gym. Here is my dilemma that I’m struggling with though: Why do I want to be in “fantastic” shape all the time (Which I don’t think I ever am)? I talked with Zach Lee about it last night, and I’m just left confused really. With something like working out, which is not wrong in and of itself, you really have to look at the heart behind it. So where is my heart? Is it to impress people? Is that where I find my fulfillment? Do I do it to supplement my lack of “feeling like a man”? Do I do it to glorify God? Can I do it to glorify God? These are the questions I have in regards to the gym, and I’m not sure what the answers really are so I’m going to really pray over these things and seek the Lord’s wisdom to help me figure them out. I’ve got tendinits in my right elbow pretty bad, so maybe He’s already trying to answer me.

I made a decision yesterday: I’m going to pursue Tiana no matter what my own doubts and worries are. I feel like as long as God is calling me to do that, and I do it in a manner pleasing to Him in every aspect that I am called follow. As a Christian man, I am called to be the pursuer in any relationship regardless and seeing as how the first time around for us entailed her pursuing me, I want to do it right. I say that because since this entire situation has come “back into my life” (whatever that means), I have gone back and forth a hundred times as to what I feel like God is calling me to do with her. There are times I feel like God is going to give me the opportunity to do things right with her, but most times I just feel like He wouldn’t do that because of the person I’ve been to her and I just don’t deserve a woman like her on any level. Level of Godliness: Jason – 2 ….Tiana – 9. I spend most of the time that I am thinking about the situation worrying and doubting, but I am constantly pleading with Christ to take those things from me. Lately, He has really shown Himself to me by helping me rid those things shortly after I think them. I think that is where I get this new sense of resolve. If the circumstances permit, I am going to pursue. Through any obstacles, through any doubts, through any worries, through any pain, I will pursue the woman that I feel would grow me closer to our Savior through marriage. If that is her, God will open the doors, and if it’s not He will close them. To me, she is worth it, and always will be.

I finally sent Kelsey a message last night asking her to talk to me because we haven’t talked in over a week, and that is extremely unusual for us. I have no idea why, but I do know that she is closing off and I can’t allow that to happen. Kelsey has played a vital role in my life over the last 3-4 months, showing me what a godly woman actually looks like. I feel like my perception of a woman who bleeds for Christ every day has been shaped, for the majority, by her and I don’t want to lose that sort of friendship. Not to mention she has been there through a majority of my “Tiana struggles” and has encouraged every step of the way. She is the first woman I have ever felt comfortable discussing God and His wonders with, and that means something to me so I’m not going to allow the friendship to die over some misunderstanding. I’m nervous to see how the talk goes, but I’ll keep you posted.

Father, I need more of you. Every day I need more of you than ever before. Give me a heart content in nothing but you and your glory. I fall short of the expectations for you that I place on myself in spite of your mercy and grace. Give me strength to pursue you above all else, and the wisdom to know when you bless me with things that seem undeserved to me. Thank you for the community you have placed in my life. Help me to be an encouragement to them more and more every day.

Until next time….

God is good

My last post yesterday was just not going anywhere good. I left the house to hang out with Zach Games, and I was just feeling down. When I get like that, usually it spells out a horrible night and next day. That wasn’t the case at all though.

I checked the mail before heading out last night and in the mail was $1900 from one of my grandmothers for school! Sick…Oh yeah…Love it! How good is God? I constantly question His faithfulness, and He has NEVER been unfaithful to me. Along with my excitement, I was also sort of frustrated because of my inability to learn this lesson. God is faithful. God is faithful. God is faithful. I need to learn that before it really costs me.

The night was cool I guess. ZGames and I grabbed some food and hit Northpark mall for a bit (I had to pick up a shirt). We always have great conversation, and I am always encouraged when we hang out. I mean this guy is 20 years old physically, but about 40 years old in Christ. I garner so much wisdom from these talks. That being said, man we had nothing to do. Just nothing. We wound up back at his apartment and watched Matchstick Men. Great movie, good night overall. I crashed on their couch for football this morning.

Saturday morning football is a blast for me. I’m pretty athletic and usually make a good contribution to my team, but for me it’s more about coming together and having fun with a group of brothers in Christ. We have the occasional exchange of words, but it’s nowhere even close to what I’m used to. Today Newberry elbowed me in the face right before the ball hit my hands on a fly route and I was quite livid inside (Let’s ignore the fact that I pushed off ZGames to even get to the ball). Usually I would flip, but as I ran back to the huddle the guys on the sideline were just offering calming words and actually singing Jesus Loves Me This I Know. Classic!! I realized one thing this morning too: I’m getting older. After playing for 2 hours today, we all went back home. The reasons being are guys were hurting, tired, sore, and the only valid one: going home to their wives! This is hilarious to me, yet also leaves me wanting to leave for the latter reason. Love it. Well, I’m off to Little Village. I hope tonight goes smoothly, because if I let it, it could just go wrong.

Father you’re faithfulness is so undeserved and incomprehensible to me. I can only humble myself more to be open to your words and purpose.

Until next time…God is good, God is great, I hope I learn this before it’s too late. Little poem for ya.

What a jerk

No matter how good of a day I’m having, sometimes when I just have absolutely nothing to do (like the last 30 minutes) I allow my mind to wander off to places it just shouldn’t go. I just got home from the gym, and while I was working out, and pretty much the whole way home until now, I have just felt this incredible burden on me for never actually KNOWING the girl I spent years of my life with. How does that even happen?!?

I don’t know why I’m thinking about her more and more these days. Not to say I don’t think about her pretty regularly anyway, but lately it’s been increasingly bothering. Maybe it’s because I’ve run into her twice in the last two weeks (2 more than the prior 4 months!), but probably more to do with the fact that I found out the other day when the step study at the Village starts. FYI: The step study marks it being “okay” for us to communicate if we even want to. Let’s be clear though, I am going to the step study because I have immense burdens I carry and issues to work out with God. I’m a new Christian and my initial walk has just been way harder than it should be, mostly because I make it that way. However, it is also (apparently) a place we can both be that is “safe”. I don’t know, I get more frustrated with the idea daily.

Man I’m horrible about tangents, back to the original point. I spent years with this girl, and if you asked my what her heart’s desires were, how she came to know Christ, or how she saw her life with Christ playing out, I would have no frappin clue. Just clueless. What a jerk. I wish I knew how to rationalize to myself why it is that I never took the time to get to know the woman who placed her heart in my hands. How to pat myself on the back and say it’s okay that she mapped out our future in marriage and I never even took the time to ask how she made the most important decision of her life: Her salvation. We moved fast, I know this, but come on man. Are you telling me that you weren’t interested?, or that you just didn’t have time? I was definitely interested at some point, and I had plenty of time during those nights spent watching television while she lay in the bed reading God’s word. The way I see it, I’m just an idiot. A shell of a man raised as a southern gentleman, taught chivalry and proper courtship, only to watch those things flight from me as I became more “comfortable”. There are days when the Lord speaks to me through song, word, or scripture. Then there are days when I can’t hear Him through this cocoon of guilt and shame. I’m sorry Lord, you entrusted me with a heart that I was incapable of protecting. I don’t deserve to know her, thank you for delivering her from me. Do I mean that? I want to….I have to…Please don’t forsake me.

There is something about a tradition with good company

Last night I went over to Jamin and Kerri’s to watch the office. Zach Lee was there, and I guess it’s something we just do now on Thursdays because we’ve done it for the last few weeks. I’m a big fan of that. For me, as I grow older I have really come to appreciate having things that I know I am doing every week with good friends. That reminds me, I need to restart “cigar Tuesdays” with Zach Games.

Earlier yesterday, I was playing ping pong with a guy named Bill that I’ve met throught Criswell, and we got into a conversation about how God has really blessed me with a solid group of friends now. I’ve known that for a while, but yesterday when he said it for some reason it really hit home. When I sit back and think about the friendships I’ve had over the last 10 years of my life, they all just seem so surface level. I’ve had a couple “best friends” and in the end, some simple circumstance usually contributes to us not even communicating anymore. Along with that, I’ve never had friends that you could speak truth to and not fear any damage to the friendship. You know, if a brother is living in sin, you are supposed to rebuke him and he doesn’t blow up and call you a piece of crap or anything like that (not supposed to at least). The friendships I am building now feel real, like I’ll know these men for the rest of my life. Everything seems fuller when you do it through Christ, now I’ve just got to figure out to apply that to the rest of my life! (Joking…kinda).

Confession: Every time we go over to Jamin and Kerri’s I burn with jealousy and anticipation. Not over the people, but just their situation in general. They have hearts for Christ and just as much as you see that through them individually, you see it in the marriage they share. At some point, I always find myself sitting there thinking, ” I hope my eventual marriage can glorify Christ in this manner, and not end up like one of those that you just know isn’t going well.” Then the anticipation sets in. Right after my initial thoughts about my “eventual marriage”, I start to picture Tiana and I going over on Thursdays to watch the office and hang out. You toss in some ZLee and his ladyfriend and we’ve got the perfect recipe for a God centered community where women cultivate friendships and the men walk around having deep discussions on  what Paul meant when he said salvation first to the Jews then to the Gentiles (They figured out a compromise on that one by the way). All to say, every time I’m over there, for in instant I wish she was there with me and we were talking about how crazy our wedding was. I wonder if she is ever in that situation?

Anywho, last night was good. I always enjoy going over there and being in good company. I find myself in God exhalting conversations with the company I keep now, which is a great change. I’m definitely appreciating having real friendships, and looking forward to developing more. The night didn’t end so well, but that’s a different blog. Leeland’s Opposite Way is playing and that song always inspires me. If you haven’t heard it, check it out.

Belonging to the body of Christ is one of the most fulfilling experiences I’ve ever felt. Right now I’m somewhere around the elbow, but I’m trying to get to the heart. Put that in your analogy pipe and smoke it!

Until next time….

Last night at the Secondhand Serenade concert

So I’m front row, surrounded by 15 year old girls when I look over at Zach Games and we both just lose it. What are we doing here?!?

I’m a fan of Secondhand Serenade myself, and I kind of wanted to go the show he did here last night but nobody else I knew was going so I didn’t plan on going either. At the last minute ZGames got stuck with a ticket he had bought for someone else and didn’t want to go by himself so I said, “Hey, I’ll buy one (18 bucks, big deal) and go with you. I wanted to go anyway.” Around 4 o’clock we jumped in the car with our Gen-Admission tickets and headed out to the House of Blues.

Somewhere between the terrible food we ate and walking in the venue, which by the way is just an oversized bar with a stage, I looked around and realized that we were probably the only people over 18 that were going to be standing in the crowd in front of the stage. All of the other people old enough to drink had tickets for the balcony seating, which makes more sense to me now after standing for 4 hours. The bands that played were called Automatic Loveletter, Cute Is What We Aim For, and Secondhand Serenade, and we had never even heard of the first two!

Automatic loveletter actually wasn’t bad. They have a female lead singer who can really belt it out, and have that sort of excited pop/rock music that you know you’ll end up hearing on MTV one of these days. I mean let’s be honest, with all the crap they put on TV these days, who doesn’t have 4 minutes to listen to a decent song between “True Life” episodes. Cute Is What We Aim For was waaaayyy out there for me. They had all the makings of  your everyday punk/rock band until their lead singer came out just yelling like he was the frontman of a heavy metal band. I didn’t understand a word he said all night aside from the profanity laced sentences he blessed us with between songs. Thumbs down. Again, I bought the ticket to see Secondhand Serenade, so when he finally made it out there I was semi-excited/relieved. I think the guy has a great voice, and writes with a lot of pain which to me is a welcomed refresher from all of the surface level lyrics I usually hear. When he came out he mentioned he was “feeling good” and was going to play a ton of songs, which ended up being around 7. Not happy. Overall his voice was still good live, but his mannerisms just lead me to believe he was sort of a wierdo. I’m not being judgemental at all, the guy is great a what he does, but let’s just say he’s a bit eccentric. Overall, I had a good time. I mean me and ZGames, we just make things happen.

Ok, so here is my rant for last night. I’m standing there watching these bands, listening to their talent, and unfortunately the things coming out of their mouths, and I just feel extremely discouraged. I think every person that took the stage last night at some point graced us with a profanity laced statement usually starting and ending with the “f” word. Usually that came just between their sips of beer from what looked like gallon sized cans. Before I get reamed by everybody out there who actually knows the Bible, let me say that I know there is nothing wrong with having a beer, but let’s be honest, when a 15 year old girl sees you drinking that on stage, what do you think she relates that to? I’m going with getting drunk for 500 Alex. It frustrates me because these people fail to realize that the gifts they have are all given to them by God, and are supposed to be used for His glory alone. They have an absolute chance to make a difference in this world we live in and they just miss the boat. Imagine what a different place we’d be in if instead of saying “On 3 everybody scream f@c! this!”, they said “On 3 everybody scream praise Christ!”. Who knows, maybe it’s just me. I guess I’m just a dreamer. After all, it falls on us that those people don’t know Christ personally, and they definitely need Him. That is for sure. Evangelism, I’m working on it.

Oh yeah, on a side note, lately I’ve REALLY been trying to find my company in men and men only so as to avoid the temptation of succombing to loneliness. I once had a very godly man that I respect very much tell me that when he and his fiance broke up for a while, he found his company amongst his godly men so that when they reunited he had no regrets from the time spent apart. So right about the time the lead singer from Automatic Loveletter came over and propped herself up on me and my friend I was thinking, “Really? Are you kidding me? Just ridiculous!” Haahahahahahahahahaa!

Until the next time….Chase Christ until you can’t walk another step! (Ironically, He’s always there to pick you up and carry you!)